oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
