You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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