I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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