i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
