i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
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I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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