i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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