have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
