Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
