watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
