i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I have tasted many bathrooms
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
