I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
