i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
