I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
