My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
