i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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