Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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