what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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