At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
