I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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