I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
