the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
