are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
