She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
