I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
