Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
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I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
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I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.