I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is Oprah even human