I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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