I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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