So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
