WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize