I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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