Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
