I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
