I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
