last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
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I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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