I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
