if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My vagina is officially offended.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
