So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
