Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
