I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
