were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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