that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
