Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
