i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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