i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
