Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
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Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.