Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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