I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
my poor anus
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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