I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
