Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
