He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
