my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
