I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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