i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
