Betty ford says i'm here all night
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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